Louise is a young girl struggling her way through high school as one of the invisibles — an honor student, a member of a few academic clubs, and not popular enough to catch the eye of the hunky football player that she has a crush on. She’s had a terrible day, accidentally giving a page from her diary to one of her teachers in place … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: Teen Witch (1989)
Those of you who were alive in 1980, I must ask, what did you think the music scene would look like by 1994? Did you imagine that it would look like this? …because the creators of The Apple did. In just fourteen years between the film’s release and the year in which it is set, the minds behind this film thought that all musicians would … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: The Apple (1980)
Techno music plays as something mechanical is built in an assembly-line process and keys are punched on a (very dated) computer system. What’s going on in the opening of Short Circuit? The United States military is building robots, of course. “The most sophisticated robot[s] on planet Earth,” to be exact. These experimental robots are being tested for combat, and the military is officially presenting them … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: Short Circuit (1986)
An archaeologist in Harold Lloyd-ish glasses yells “YEEEE-HAH!” when he finds something… An amazing Scottish band sings about fish while people dance around a giant model of some sort of worm-fish hybrid… A delicious dish of pickled earthworms is served at a party… and that’s just within the first ten minutes of The Lair of the White Worm, the latest film to enter TMP’s Classics … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: The Lair of the White Worm (1988)
“This house knows everything about you. Leave while you can!” Roger Cobb (William Katt) has experienced plenty of horrors in his life. He’s a Vietnam War veteran whose son has disappeared and whose favorite aunt has recently committed suicide. Despite these troubles, Roger has chosen quite the morbid career: writing horror novels. It’s been a year since his last book was published, and his editor … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: House (1986)
Jake (Dolly Parton) is a country singer living in New York City. Talking with her manager after a performance, Jake decides to make a bet with him, saying that she can turn anyone — any random person off of the street – into a big star. A rhinestone cowboy. Nick Martinelli (Sylvester Stallone) is an Italian-American cabbie who happens to be dropping a family of … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: Rhinestone (1984)
Berke Landers (Ben Foster) is your typical high school jock. He’s popular, he’s a star of the basketball team, and he’s dating Allison (Melissa Sagemiller), one of the most sought-after girls in school. But when Allison dumps Berke, he starts to lose his mind a little bit. He decides he’ll audition for the school’s spring musical, knowing that Allison will also be performing in it, … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: Get Over It (2001)
There are few genres which immediately lend themselves to producing Classics of the Corn. One of those genres is the musical pseudo-biopic. Pure Country takes bonafide country star George Strait and turns him into fictionalized country star Dusty Chandler (yes, the same name as Lizabeth Scott’s character from Dead Reckoning). Dusty is a man who feels like he’s stuck in a career as the puppet … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: Pure Country (1992)
Happy Valentine’s Day, folks! What better way to celebrate than with a load of cheese? Today’s entry into the Hall of Shame is an ABC Family gem about warring pizzerias. (I originally considered titling this post “Classics of the Corn: Stuffed Crust Edition.”) TMP’s Classics of the Corn series usually features sci-fi films, horrors and the occasional overblown melodrama. Today, a completely different but equally … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: Pizza My Heart (2005)
“I need this world. From millions of light-years away I approach your planet. Soon my space ship lands on Earth. I need your world. I feed on fear, live on human hatred! I, a strong mind without flesh or blood, want your world! First, the unthinking — the birds of the air, the animals of the forest — then, the weaker of men shall all … Continue reading Classics of the Corn: The Beast with a Million Eyes (1955)
