Reviews in a line or two, terrible trio edition: House of Voices, Breaking Dawn and LOL

House of Voices follows a girl who arrives to work as a servant at the Saint Ange Orphanage, only to find that the decommissioned home isn’t quite as empty as it originally seemed. Lou Doillon (pictured above) stars as Judith, a disturbed girl who is cared for by one of the women who takes care of the property. (Image via Rotten Tomatoes)

“Every house has a secret.”
House of Voices
(also known as Saint Ange) (2004)

dir. Pascal Laugier, written by Pascal Laugier
starring Virginie Ledoyen, Lou Doillon and Catriona MacColl
This film is proof that a nice use of sound and pretty cinematography can’t save a sinking ship. While it does deliver a few small thrills, suspense is low and the film overall comes off as very slow and stiff. The final fifteen minutes are the only part worth watching, and only then if you have a movie buddy to exchange outlandish theories with. The score: 0.5/5

It’s the wedding of the century, y’all. All is great for newlyweds Bella and Edward until they discover that she’s carrying a demon spawn. (Image via filmofilia.com)

“Forever is only the beginning.”
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I (2011)
dir. Bill Condon, written by Melissa Rosenberg
starring K. Stew and R. Pattz
I should begin by saying that I only watched this because my sister wanted me to see how terrible it was, and in that sense it delivered. Just as bad as its predecessors but often much more dull, Breaking Dawn is a pretty wooden film. It does, however, have a few “so bad it’s hilarious” moments, and the awful special effects (especially with the wolves) bring the laughs as well. The real score: 1/5, The Corny Cliff Scale score: 3/5

Douglas Booth and Miley Cyrus ponder why Lola’s friends feel the need to shorten her name to “Lol” when it’s already only four letters long in this remake of a French film. (Image via aceshowbiz.com)

“You can change your status, but not your heart.”
LOL (also known as Even Miley Cyrus Deserves Better Than This) (2012)
dir. Lisa Azuelos, written by Lisa Azuelos and Kamir Ainouz
starring Miley Cyrus, Douglas Booth and Demi Moore
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a film more disjointed than this – it’s absolutely all over the place, and the performances aren’t good enough to make that work. It alternates between being as stiff as a 2×4 and being absolutely corny. The film attempts to showcase the lives of both mother and daughter to highlight the parallels of their lives, but as a result of the back-and-forth focus, the audience never comes to care about either of them. The score: 0.5/5

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